Did you ever look back …





Did you ever look back when those bulky feet pulled you astray? Did your heart skip in trepidation was i ever something too much to throw away? Did you look back to see if my stance was still standing or if my knees were on the floor, did you run away before you could hear my hearts last pitiful call. Did you beg to the candy coloured clown they call the sandman not to let me enter your dreams at night, we’re you scared just in case they would show memories of how i held you tight.  Sprinkling stardust into whispers, did you watch over me as I got dragged into sleep, I was your dream catcher did you not see my stormy eyes.  Did you sleep like a child waking winking at the sun knowing callously as dawn came I would wake to remember your goodbyes. Did you reminisce during the harshest of weather’s, thinking of me ecstatic dancing in the rain but always checking beside you I was your protector even in strain.   Did you think just because your promises burst into flames I would burn mine too, or did you underestimate how much I could take of pain. Did you for a moment think your choice was wrong, that you had past the point of no return and had to go on. You knew I would have fought for you to come back to these arms, my lighthouse did not stop looking for you, all you had to do babe was ring that alarm. I built you a pedastool to swing on behind my walls when you said I could call you mine, you were the coach I was playing the game. You did not have to forfeit me lovely I already knew my name. Did you not think I had wanted a choice? You played your glory card and off you went, you forgot I had a voice.

Did you panic when you felt my soul slipping away, did you ask what it was all for? When in doubt you used to tell me to remember why we started it all, as long as we stayed on track love would conquer or fall. In a blink of a eye you skipped off a new breeze took your fancy I could barely see you stamp marks and I was back to learning again how to crawl.

Did you ever fucking look back a few days in time to see if my already sewn together seams were still intact or if I had ripped them apart along the scar line. Did the memories come rushing back all at once, the places we went, the views the world we created or did my blue hair not give you enough excitement, your friends always told you I was over rated.  The thought of the children the home we would make, giggling from your woken nap as I blissfully cooked and threw you cake. Was the distance too much is that why you burnt the bridge? Silly girl you knew I could swim oceans, obstacles to get to you was merely a minor itch. Do you feel more stable now, I made you feel lost calling you home right? Does your house feel something more now my warmth and face has been thrown out of site. It must have been easy for you to discard all I brought you, throw it into a box and hide it where they could not see. Did you find it hard pretending you did not know of me.  Do you feel better now you don’t have to lie, you can play openly with your friends without betraying my eyes. Did you ever learn the value of priority, what matters won’t stay when its taken advantage of, yet you saw in me I’d stay I was one of the minority. Did you know I would react only on the inside and not cause you a scene, I do not know how to play these games it was not my routine.  It was okay though right because you were fine, stop talking about it now I was no longer allowed to call you mine.

Did it frustrate you when it took me too long to work out I was just a donation, its ok I understand you wanted variety and I was just a rotation. Did you know how much it took for me to open up for you, how many nights I had to practice for you to just touch me like you wanted too.  My triggers never allowed me to go away, you moaned and smiled in pleasure as I would relive the moments where my choices were stripped away. Your hands reminded me of how heavy his were and how I could not fight him off top, yet I’d lay smiling into your eyes, it took everything inside of me to beg myself from screaming stop.  I was broken and lost and still learning, but I would not let you carry my load, it was at my expensive and my cost and so much more than you would ever know.  Did you honestly never see the threesomes we would have? that invisible ghost seduced you more than I had. I cannot blame you for all the ugly that came with my soul, You helped me from victim to survivor so not all bad at all.  But you could not understand why I clung to you why I looked at you as my reviver.  When you left you took all my progress with you, left in a heap the only thing i could scream in my given up state was “How will i survive her”

Did you lose anyone loving me? were you forced into a mental bubble where your mind did anything it could to break free. Were family disowning you, friends looking past you unable to accept something new? Was there a moment when your body gave up on you giving you breakdowns as your mind shakes in seizures defiant not to lose you? Were you compromised, debilitated or disabled in the choices you made, I wonder how much you signed up for, was it the full risk? I signed up for so much more, I hit the stars and missed.

Take me to the place where you go, the place no one knows where you make your decisions where I was no longer wanted, did you gain anything from not giving me closure, was there no time for explanation? you made me feel worthless and not enough yet wont talk about it. Sorry my bad we have been through this you wanted me to change the station.  Lovers of today just throw their dreams away and are left with the uncertainty of who they are, maybe my old fashioned nature of romance, adventure and words was too much you never understood how I put my faith in the stars.

There is a big difference between someone who is laughing and someone who is happy.  I was modified all i wanted was deviation by design, something to believe in I was shown something could be mine, for the stars to be behind me and for me not to be left behind. Im so over dosed on apathy that its burnt out my sympathy, someone simply tell me they have got me and let me be blind.  There comes a time where people keep taking and taking, the tears run off my face and im feeling like im a disgrace, yet when i say the damage for why these tears are caused, some of you look at me like you want a applause. Pulling off my heart was like pulling off my shirt both of you betrayed me and pushed me until it hurt.

If you had shouted out for more, reached out for me I would have run into the storm just to keep you here with me.  I was old before my years and gone beyond relief, there is a darkness inside me we both enjoyed and now its screaming to be free. If you had shouted to the skies or reached out for me you would have realised I am the fucking storm and you ignited the gasoline. I always had to be the one who took you home, there was nothing I could not do I was too in love with you to let it go.  There is nothing left to fix me, the flames cannot ignite my bones, I wont be coming home.  As the diamond I brought you lays glistening in the ocean breeze I realised now I witnessed a beautiful disaster, you were not my muse, honey your free.


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